Still we have our thread,
still between the stories
we've almost moved on but we're waiting
for this one thing,
the only thing we've dared
to say for our future,
we who have never chanced on tomorrow
who never would know
what others knew,
but the glimpses are sometimes more to me
than whole weeks spent with you
and the glimpses fill me with certainty.

Saw you on the road today,
we both know that we're just passing through.

In the bar, everyone else kept going with the barcrawl,
but we that were his friends stayed behind,
we'd heard about your costume,
we knew you were coming down, like you hadn't in so long,
you'd had your problems - we'd had our own,
but we were waiting.
We waited in the bar
and I hardly knew you, just waited cause he was,
never mind he wasn't the man who had me on his arm,
I waited cause he was,
and the moment you pushed through the doors,
that was when the problem started -
I was on my knees beside him when he kissed your hand,
I was stumble tongued and memorising every single moment
when I'd seen you before.
Remembering each and everytime I'd almost commented on your blog,
and there was only thirty seconds gone,
he'd only reached the floor,
by the time I'd accounted every word we'd spoken to each other,
the moment that you'd said you hadn't noticed that I'd gone.

A minute in,
and that was when we had a problem.
For the rest of all time.
I can't say you are my best friend,
I can't say that we are close
because you've stopped telling me
all the things you used to
because it hurts me to much for me to deal.
I know that that's our problem,
Or maybe it's only mine.

I love you.

I can tell you the exact moment when I fell
and it was as he was sinking to his knees,
I swear my heart hit the floor before his lips met your hand,
but in the end,
it doesn't matter,
he is yours and so am I...in that theoretical way,
the lesbian with the crush,
the embarrassing friend,
I can tell you when I fell,
I can tell you the conversation when I tried to tell you
and the moment when I realised,
that I could never do, anything for you,
so anything you let me do, any moment you let me have,
the fields where we lost the wine,
the wind
and pouring out the drinks over a steering wheel,
these are moments I have on your sufferance.

This is our problem, or maybe mine alone,
I love you.

An embarrassment you sometimes deign to acknowledge
and he dropped to his knees
and I fell
it was only afterwards that I wished,
I was still single.
Still able to make a promise to you.
As it stands, we have always had
this problem.
Or perhaps, mine alone.

Do they matter, these rocks burning up in the atmosphere?
They have only the meanings that we give them
The rocks in the sky are rocks or some self to show,
I do not care, I will never know,
this is how untrue I am to you,
all the depths of my heart I give to you,
for the show.

The meteor shower comes closer, goes further away
depending on how much we watch,
depending on how much we say
Comes so close to real, I might wish it so,
Like standing barefoot under lampost number four
watching it beginning to snow,
they were someone elses kisses
but they were as real as the perseid in your eyes
and it's that feeling (people tell me I should learn to despise),
of,
the beauty of the show,
all the rocks come burning down,
it's so pretty until I move away from lampost number four
and the cold in your soul effects the footwear
I forgot to have worn.

There - in your eyes for a second,
an instant of 'Shall we go?'
and I said yes and there was that perseid in your eyes,
the look that had me underneath lampost number four.

I never stood there with you,
never kissed you under it's lamplight,
it does not matter who,
lampost number four is a feeling, is a meaning,
is a place and a time and a photo of yourself,
in tears with her arm around your shoulders.

Lampost number four, the perseid in your eyes
that second which I cling to
and which others despise,
that's tonight before it vanishes,
that's what I cling to.